Amnesia in DID is really just disavowal

Amnesia is often considered a hallmark symptom of dissociative identity disorder, but I believe the term itself is misleading. Amnesia suggests a definitive, passive loss of memory—something irretrievable, possibly from a physical brain defect or anesthetizing medication. Yet, my experience has shown me that what we call amnesia in DID is not about forgetting in the traditional sense. Instead, it is a profound act of disavowal—an internal rejection so strong that certain experiences are psychologically disowned rather than entirely forgotten.

Clinically, dissociative amnesia refers to gaps in recall that occur outside typical forgetfulness. However, I believe the symptom of amnesia within the conceptualization of DID is too generic of a term, which can lead to misunderstandings. To be explicitly clear, I believe that there are fundamentally two different mechanisms at play that are both referred to as amnesia within the modern framework of dissociation. The first is a general failure to fully encode memories due to spaciness or inattentiveness, corresponding to detachment dissociation. This, to a certain extent, is experienced by everyone; for example, the phenomena of “highway hypnosis”. However, the mechanism for amnesia I am specifically referring to in this post is the more stereotypical amnesia associated with DID, corresponding to compartmentalization dissociation, where one may experience discrete jarring lapses in memory.

For much of my life, I have experienced black-out amnesia—discrete gaps in memory where I have no awareness of events until external evidence, such as someone telling me or video footage, reveals them to me¹. Over time, I realized this amnesia was not due to an inability to remember but rather an active refusal to acknowledge painful emotions, memories, or experiences as mine.

As a small child, I experienced repeated severe abuse at a crucial stage of my development—a time when my brain was rapidly learning how the world worked and what my place in it might be. To cope with my traumatic upbringing, disavowal became my dominant survival mechanism, allowing me to psychologically reject overwhelming experiences and render them not mine. The more unbearable an experience was to me, the more completely it was subconsciously pushed from my awareness. This process, often labeled as “amnesia” in DID, was not a failure to remember but a form of psychological avoidance. I exchanged having a complete understanding of my life for psychological comfort—disavowal, manifesting as memory lapses, enabled that. In this way, amnesia has been protective for me. However, in my adult life, my memory lapses are a hindrance. Interrogating the underlying mechanisms of my internal experience has enabled me to heal immensely—the key has been recognizing and understanding that my amnesia is not a passive loss of memory but an active process of disavowal.

Instead of accepting my memory lapses in adulthood as inevitable, I began to question my internal experience. When I acquired evidence that I had experienced amnesia, I asked questions such as

1. Why don’t I remember this?
2. What makes this experience intolerable to own?
3. What would it mean for me if I accepted that this happened to me?

Approaching my memory lapses with curiosity allowed me to uncover the emotional reasoning behind their rejection. Each time I confronted a memory lapse, I was able to trace the underlying distress that led to its disavowal. This has been a very difficult and painful process—I have had to confront truths about myself and what happened to me that I have been rejecting my entire life. However, once I began acknowledging these disowned emotions, experiences, and memories as mine, my so-called amnesia has significantly diminished².

Healing, for me, has not been about regaining memories in a linear fashion. It has been about dismantling the internal mechanisms that prevent me from remembering. The more I understood the function of disavowal, the more I was able to integrate these disowned experiences into my sense of self. This critical examination of amnesia is rarely discussed in dissociative disorder spaces—the symptom of amnesia is often stated as inevitable yet the underlying psychological mechanism behind this amnesia is often left uninterrogated.

The problem with labeling this phenomenon as “amnesia” is that it creates the illusion of total inaccessibility—as if these experiences are lost in a void rather than actively compartmentalized. It implies passivity, reinforcing the idea that we are helpless victims of an unchangeable condition. In reality, this type of forgetting is a dynamic psychological process, one that can be understood and worked through.

I recognize that many people find comfort in framing their experiences as amnesia, as it provides a clear and validating explanation for distressing memory gaps. However, while dissociative memory loss is real, I believe that understanding its underlying psychological mechanisms—particularly the role of disavowal—can lead to greater self-awareness and healing. In dissociative disorder or “plural” communities, I often see amnesia framed in a way that enables avoidance of responsibility. If amnesia is viewed as an absolute erasure rather than a form of self-protective disowning, it can become an excuse rather than an explanation. While true dissociative gaps may exist through the mechanism of disavowal, the broader cultural perception of amnesia can obscure the nuances of its role in dissociative disorders. Treating amnesia as an unchangeable neurological deficit rather than an active psychological process creates a sense of helplessness, reinforcing the idea that nothing can be done about it. This framing not only discourages introspection but also feeds into a self-reinforcing cycle of disavowal—when one avoids questioning a disowned experience, future disavowal becomes easier, making self-recognition progressively more difficult. Over time, even the act of disavowal itself can be disavowed, further deepening the sense of detachment and fragmentation. The more this pattern repeats, the harder it becomes to break, reinforcing dysfunction rather than healing. In extreme cases, it may even become a justification for dysfunction, absolving individuals of personal responsibility. This is concerning because, while dissociation can impair memory, healing requires an active effort to interrogate and understand one’s experiences, not merely accepting memory gaps as inevitable. However, once one begins to approach these lapses with curiosity rather than avoidance, the cycle can be disrupted, allowing for integration and greater self-awareness.

Additionally, because the concept of amnesia, which has multiple definitions in the medical field, is embedded within the conceptualization of DID, individuals who believe they have dissociative experiences may claim to have amnesia that lacks true psychological grounding. This is not genuine dissociative amnesia but rather an internal shaping of experience to fit a predetermined framework—yet another manifestation of the strong cultural influence in the DID diagnosis. The mere existence of the generic label of amnesia within the modern conceptualization of DID, without discussion of its underlying psychological mechanism, encourages people to categorize their experiences in a way that may not reflect the deeper reality of disavowal. When amnesia is framed as a static, externally imposed symptom rather than an adaptive psychological process, it can limit personal growth rather than facilitate healing. It is easier to attribute experiences to a predefined diagnostic label rather than interrogate their origins, which requires accepting painful emotions, memories, and experiences as happening to the self. Interrogating ones internal mechanisms encourages a deeper understanding of why memory lapses occur and how they can be reduced.

By reframing DID-related amnesia as a process of disavowal rather than a rigid neurological malfunction, I was able to move toward healing. Memory is not static—it is fluid. Healing is not about simply remembering or forgetting—it is about allowing oneself to integrate what was once unbearable.

Challenging the language and rigid conceptualizations we use around DID is essential. When we stop treating amnesia as an inevitable experience and start seeing it as a dynamic process, we create space for growth, ownership, and integration.